Shaver's Razor

I’m typing this post in the hopes of educating folks who may someday approach a pregnant woman (close friend or total stranger) with the urge to comment/gush/ask questions regarding the said pregnancy. I write this post from a man’s perspective. But, don’t be fooled. The message here is intended for men and women alike…so hang on.

In the past few months, my wife and I have noticed so many examples of the “Footinmouth” condition that strangely plagues so many well intentioned people when encountering a pregnant woman. Here are just a few examples of the …comments said to my wife and her recently pregnant friends:

You’re how far along?!?…..That baby looks like it’s coming TOMORROW!

You’re ONLY 4 months pregnant? Pretty sure that baby’s gonna arrive a few months early!

Honey, you know you have to gain more weight than that. Otherwise there’s a higher chance of birth defects.

You look huge!!!

You look tiny. In fact you’re hardly showing-Are you sure the baby’s okay?

Wow. You must have really gained alot of weight if you’re only that far along.

You sure look fat…but, its okay ’cause you’re pregnant!

Are you having twins?

Yep. All of these are true-life statements made to my wife and/or to her friends within the past 8 months. The twins comment actually came from our server last week as Elaina and I sat down to lunch at a restaurant. My wife and I are used to comments from strangers acknowledging the pregnancy. And, typically, we hear the list of question like, “When are you due? Is it a boy or a girl? Are you excited?” But when the first thing out of the server’s mouth is none of these conversation starters but simply, “Are you having twins?” one has to wonder what is meant or implied by that question.  Not only that, but what kind of response could be expected from such a question?

“Why, YES, how could you tell from simply looking at my belly?”

OR

“NO…why the *bleep* would you ask me that?”

And these are not just single childless twenty somethings or kids who don’t know any better who are making these comments. Veteran moms and educated mid-life professionals make up the majority of offenders!

Come on, people!

Unless you are a medical professional, the ONLY comments/advice/statements/opinions you should offer a pregnant women are words of encouragement and affirmation. Do not, I repeat, do not critique her weight gain or lack thereof. Do not comment on her appearance in any way except to say that she looks AMAZING! Do not offer her your opinion how big her belly has grown and its effect on how healthy the baby will be when it is born.

If you tell the pregnant woman that ,in your opinion, she is smaller or bigger than normal, all she hears is you telling her she is abnormal -which, implies that somehow her baby is going to be born abnormally and it will be all her fault.  When someone states very plainly that the pregnant woman is too small or too big or too…anything, it suggests that the woman has somehow made wrong choices along the way and that she is not and will not be a good mother because of it.

Most of us would never go up to a non-pregnant stranger and tell her that she looks “huge” or “small” or “unhealthy”.  So why does pregnancy suddenly loosen the tongue???

Essentially, this is all about regarding a woman’s self-image with sensitivity AND treating the topic of human life growing inside her with respect. Folks, your attempts to comment on a the physical appearance of another woman’s changing body or the well-being of her growing child possess a high potential for collateral damage.

For some women, pregnancy is a time where they feel amazing and beautiful and strong, but for others dealing with the physical and emotional changes that are beyond her control can be hard to deal with even without others “comments”.

And seriously, if a woman is, in fact, having twins…she’ll most likely tell you. So don’t ask!

WHEW! That’s enough soapbox for one day.

Take these honest words and pass them on.