Shaver's Razor

First of all, I need to apologize to you, Dear Readers. You’ve probably noticed that I’ve not updated this blog with any new posts for several days. Most of you will know that having a new baby will overturn your usual daily schedule. With the recent addition of Caius to our house, my wife and I can attest that this is true. So, I ask for your patience. I hope you return to Shaver’s Razor often for my thoughts on leadership, the Christian life, and parenthood.

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THE CURSE OF SELF-AWARENESS

By the time we are adults, most of us have grown into a sense of self-awareness which means we know how others perceive us in certain situations. It’s just what is sounds like –being aware of one’s self. It includes awareness of things like appearance, personality, humor, and work-ethic. Your sense of self-awareness is often cultivated through school age years, takes a murderous beating in your awkward teenage years, and comes into balance somewhere between early adulthood and….retirement.  :)

Most of us know how we are perceived by our close friends, co-workers, or even by strangers at a party.  And, the importance of self-awareness as a social skill can be seen in the example of those we know who are unfortunately not self-aware. Now, I think you know what I’m talking about. You can describe the friend, colleague, or maybe even the family member who tells inappropriate jokes at the party and is mystified when no one laughs.

Self awareness is also vital to acting, which is close to my heart. Having majored in Theatre Arts, I have a lot of experience acting or directing plays for universities and community theatres. I feel like theatre, as an art form, is on of the most natural arts pursued by mankind. Everyone tells stories and everyone acts everyday. Theatre is nothing more than that: acting for the sake of story-telling. And, the more self-aware an actor is the better they are at their craft. Therefore, one of the worst things to experience in theatre is meeting an actor who is completely NOT self-aware. That actor cannot take direction well. They can’t relate a scene in a script to any connection in their personal life because they are not self-aware.

Case in point:

Lately, I’ve been actively waiting. Yeah, I’ve been job hunting. And, when you are updating your resume and taking multiple phone interviews with potential employers and answering questionnaires regarding your experience…you become EVEN MORE self-aware. During this season of looking for work in church ministry and waiting on an answer, I’ve also improved and occupied myself with books, leadership books, books on knowing yourself, books on personality assessment, strengths self assessment, books on influencing people, serving people through your skills and talents…etc.

After a while, all of this self-awareness becomes ME-ness. It becomes narcissism.

During this period of uncertainty about where God is taking me and when that is going to happen, I don’t want to spin my wheels on me-ness. I’m fighting to not get lost in MY calling and MY ministry and MY job.

I have a wife and child who need me…and a holy GOD who wants to use me. But that is the curse of self-awareness. All of the important people (Elaina and Caius) and things (ministry calling) that touch my life are not and CAN NOT be about me.

Interestingly the actor whose picture I showed above, Keanu Reeves, was in the MATRIX Trilogy. The first movie of that trilogy contained a scene where Reeve’s character, Neo, discovers the entire theme of the movie printed on a wood plaque hanging over a kitchen doorway. It said “Know Thyself”. But, as a Christian, I remember that Christ said to deny thy self. I am to deny my self and …take up my cross daily.

I hope I learn more about what that means -taking up my cross–while I am in this waiting period.

Have you experienced the curse of self-awareness overload?